Sunday, March 06, 2005

I'm Now A Semi-Believer.

Seryoso 'tong entry na 'to. You've been warned. :)

I've done something today that I thought I'll never do unless it's the last thing I'll ever do in my life. No, it's not something really evil (ganun ba ako ka-predictable?), rather, it's something good, divinely good.

Nahatak ako para umattend ng isang prayer meeting. Waaaaah! Lol.

Hindi naman sya prayer meeting, but I don't know what to call it kaya prayer meeting na lang kuno. Hehe.

So anyway, yun nga. I've been invited (forced would seem to be an exaggerated one) by my good friends (meaning meron akong evil ones) to join them at AFP theater and listen to Bo Sanchez (You Can Make Your LIfe Beautiful, Your Past Doesn't Define Your Future, etc..), and hear a mass (insert shocking sound effects here) afterwards.

Don't get me wrong. I love Bo Sanchez. I've already read most of his books and I really enjoyed them. But to go on one of his talks is a different story.

Images of El Shaddai fanatics crammed into my brain. Singing aloud, with eyes closed, both hands up in the air, sweating profusely without giving a damn, face contorted, lost in a frenzy that only die hard religious groups can bear, and actually doing it would be the worst nightmare of my life.

So ayun nga. I'm already inside the theater, anticipating. Tumunog ang drums, may nagpluck na ng gitara. At yung babaeng nasa harap namin started raising her right arm into the air. Inaykupo...

Then the singing started. Ayos naman. The music was kinda upbeat, not the usual Pabasa-mode. The lyrics were great (too bad i don't remember most of them), and I found myself reading through the lyrics that was flashed through a projector. A light bolt of electricity ran up to my spine, and as one song followed another, the bolt of electricity in my body heightened. I actually enjoyed it, although both of my arms are plastered on my chest while the rest of the people are either had their hands up, or clapping with the tune. Feeling ko out of place ako. Para akong kawayan (isang malapad na kawayan) na tuwid na tuwid na nakatayo dun.

Then Bo Sanchez delivered his talk. Titled "No Place Too Low For God", he talked about how God loves you for merely existing. You don't have to be good, do good, think good for God to love you. By merely acknowledging the fact that He is there is enough. He also talked about how our parents and our religious leader define our image of God. He said that our lives won't change if our image of God wont change, because we become the God that we adore!!! (Nei, ikaw ba yan?!) I was mesmerized while he did the talk. Just like in his books, he tells it through funny anecdotes, and which such energy that you wouldn't be bored, rather, it would make you clamoring for more.

He also talked about Hosea, a prostitute who was loved by her prophet-husband eventhough she wronged him many times. I'd love to share her story pero tinatamad ako. Saka na lang. Basta sobrang nakakatuwa (the way Bo told it) and sobrang nakakatouched ang message nya.

Ang haba na nito, but I'm yet to bring my point. Paano ba?

I don't deny that I was touched by the talk. But still, walls covered from fully accepting God (I'm your so-called atheist kuno). I still have my inhibitions to fully accept him. Maybe it's pride, I don't know, or maybe I just don't want to be vulnerable. I really don't know what to say. So far, I've been doing good without God's help (wag sana ako kidlatan), and I'm happy without him for now. When I fail at something, I only blame myself, and whenever something good comes my way, I give myself the credit. God is only a state of mind. Waah. Feeling ko kasalanan na 'tong pinagsusulat ko, so I should better stop. Saken na lang yun. At least you have an idea of what my spiritual side looked like. And attending prayer meetings like these disrupt my idea of living in peace. It makes me think. And think and think. I don't wanna think. Hay...

Tama na. Continue ko na lang 'tong post next time. :)

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